What is fun and why FUN is such an important element in relationships.
In this blog we look at what is fun and why it is important to have fun in a relationship. Does fun matter or contribute to survival? Most relationship manuals and gurus will talk about elements you need in a perfect relationship bur often times, its FUN that is the most element needed. When a relationship starts becoming monotonous and boring, couples lose interest or fight more. Also a lot couples have lost the true essence of having fun due to social media pressures.Social media and technology though a blessing have in far many ways destroyed human connection and ways in which couples traditionally had fun. The most important and first thing you need is an intention to have fun! Alot of couples believe their relationships are “fine” and don’t even want to make a change.
Why have fun
Having fun together increases bonding and communication in a relationship.Also it helps increase relationship satisfaction and promotes spontaneity when the relationship seems boring, drab, lifeless, stale, dull, tedious, well planned, serious and monotonous.According to Plato,“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” So what does it really mean to have fun in a relationship and why is it important? That might be a question you might have asked yourself. Did fun matter or contribute to survival? Rather than spending the time hunting for food or sleeping to save energy, why did our ancestors hang around fires doing funny imitations of each other and dancing? Wouldn’t that distract them from potential threats that might be lurking in the bushes?Perhaps men who are more playful and fun might be deemed less aggressive thus more appealing to women and women who are playful might demonstrate a vibrancy and youthfulness, an indication of their reproductive abilities.Many clients I coach tell me they want a humorous and fun-loving partner.
Humans are top class mammals and to understand the need for fun for humans let me tell you a little bit about the evolution of humans.All mammals are warm blooded creatures and they live in groups.They take care of their young and seek protection through the group ensuring their off spring have the best chance of survival.There is a huge level of trust in group living and they protect themselves and each other.
Dependence on each other enhances one’s ability to survive under harsh environmental circumstances. There is an inbuilt body and brain system for ensuring safety through group affiliation.Our body was build to be with people, connect and have fun and when we lose that “fun” element in our lives and especially in our relationships, our bodies naturally get into the red zone of danger and life threatening where all we do and say to our partners comes from a defensive mode.
Human need for connection
All our bodies have three zones.In the green zone, there is healthy heart to heart connection.There is trust and a sense of vulnerability as well. In this zone you feel happy and you also feel sad and disappointed. In the red zone, we try to control things around us and when we can’t, we either fight for our rights or we leave the situation.In the grey zone, you have become too numb to even do anything about your Your body is in life threatening mode and doesn’t even respond to connection and you are only operating based on the smart brain.
Our smart brain, our cognitive and logical brain actually works against us in social interactions and relationships. We are constantly evaluating each other and the smart brain doesn’t understand connection. It has been programmed by society, family, tradition, education and culture and it simply follows rules, evaluates and tries to control things, consciously or unconsciously.Why does it do that? To simply fit in and seek for approval and acceptance from others. When we are in relationships and stop connecting, read stop having fun, our bodies naturally get into the red and sometimes in very toxic relationships grey zone where we are distressed, angry and disconnected with each other all the time.
So how to we make our relationships better? By connecting more. And how do we connect more? Of course having more fun. Fun is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as “light-hearted pleasure, enjoyment, or amusement; boisterous joviality or merrymaking; entertainment”.Although particularly associated with recreation and play, fun may be encountered during work, social functions, and in daily life.” This book aims to show you how to add fun into your relationships to keep the connection strong and thus make your love life happy and exciting.
Influence of social media on relationships
Social media and online dating sites have become the supermarkets for current relationships.You have to wade through rows of cupcakes and potato chips to find the produce aisle, where those relationships grounded in intimacy and trust live—the ones worth your investment – the diet food for modern day relationships are found.Aren’t we all a slave to technology and what impact is this is having on our relationships and connection?Relationships have lost meaning and value in this modern day and age.Facebook even gives you options to list if you are married, single or in a complicated relationship. What is the world coming to? If you can’t imagine your life without social media, you’ve probably fallen victim to the power social networking sites have on people.
Of course advances in technology have made communication much easier and cheaper. I remember when I was first engaged to my husband, he was in Malaysia and I was in Singapore and phone calls in those days were so expensive. My dad used to cringe when he used to get the phone bills and I used to go red with shame. In my grandmother’s days it was even worse. She had to wait for letters from my grandfather as trunk calls were rare and very expensive.Of course these days with free calls, even video calls connecting with your partner has become so much easier. At the same time people are connecting less with each other intimately. How many times have you gone to a restaurant and see couples sitting with each other but totally engrossed on their gadgets?
Lost in translation
These days it is so easy to get lost in translation over a message.How can you describe the true essence of I love you over a text message? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered what someone meant by their words – whether on social media, in a text or via email.Unless you see the person’s face, hear their voice and understand the environment, you have no idea if they are sarcastic, angry or funny. Words alone cannot convey emotions of compassion and love. Sometimes you just need a hug and a kiss. When I get “stickers” and “emojis” on social media – of a heart or a kiss, it is cute but it doesn’t make me feel a personal connection with that person.
Mary broke up with her boyfriend because he sent a heart emoji to another woman on Instagram.Can you believe that? When she told me this – I didn’t know how to respond – was I to tell her it is ok – it is only an emoji and it isn’t real or was I to tell her he’s cheating – how could he send a declaration of love to another woman? How dare he?No matter how much you try and explain an emotion or feeling over the phone or message, it loses its essence or doesn’t do magic like how a kiss or hug would could do that.
Ghosting
My client Nora called me one day in tears telling me her boyfriend Frank had ghosted her – without any warning at all.He simply disappeared.No calls, no text messages, no connection on social media, no response. Odds are, Frank hasn’t unexpectedly left town because of a family emergency and wasn’t lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Rather he had simply ended the relationship without bothering to explain. She had been ghosted.
Why would someone choose to simply disappear from another person’s life, rather than plan, or at least have a conversation to end a relationship?Ghosting is a quick and easy way out of relationships.No drama, no hysterics, no questions asked, no need to provide answers or justify your behaviour, no need to deal with someone else’s feelings. Certainly, while the ghoster may benefit from avoiding an uncomfortable situation and any potential drama, they’ve done nothing to improve their own conversation and relationships skills for future relationships.
FOMO
I have clients coming to me and telling me their relationships need help and when I see their Facebooks, I see happy pictures of them on holidays or attending parties having a lot of fun. This is a common trend.
A lot of couples post wonderful pictures of each other having fun on social media but in actual fact they are not happy in their relationships.Have we as a society lost the essence of having fun and are simply interested in getting likes and admiration from our followers? Thus social media creates a misconception that successful couples should always be having fun all in their life.Couples start to compare their lives with the lives of their friends online and fear they are missing out. his adds pressure on couples to “do fun” to keep up with society standards. So the question here is 1) Are they doing activities with their partners simply to please their followers? 2)Are they truly having fun with each other? 3) Is is simply a case of FOMO and monkey see monkey do or 4) Has social media pleasing become more important than having fun?
Take a step back and have a good look at your relationship. Ask yourself – Am I truly having fun in my relationship? Be honest and ask yourself if you are missing the way sparks used to fly when you first met your partner? Does this even matter to you anymore? The way to infuse fun with your relationship starts with acknowledging that is it missing!
Acknowledge there is a need for fun
This comes when you realise fun has been missing in your relationship.It is the first step to move forward.Many couples pretend their relationships do not need help and are in denial that things have changed. We need to be honest with ourselves. Sadly a lot of couples live in denial and do not like to take responsibility for their actions.They fool themselves by thinking things are perfect as they are and do not want to face reality.They refuse to see the truth and then keep wondering why their relationships are unhappy.
You have two options here.Either you say, this is who I am, I am born this way and this is how my relationship and it doesn’t matter. I can’t change.I am going to go with the flow and tolerate it.I come to grips with the fact that my relationship is as it is.This mindset is a lack mindset.You feel stuck and you live in pain thinking this is how it is meant to be. The other option is to accept there is a problem, acknowledge the need for fun and wanting to make a difference in your relationship.
Obviously if you have picked up this book, you do realise there is a need fo change.Only when you induce change will results come in.If you are going to do what you have been doing over the past years, nothing new is going to happen.By even setting an intention to have fun in your relationship you have induced change.The more intense the change, the better the results.Remember, nothing is permanent. Everything is an illusion you cling on. You build an identity around it based on your stories from your past and your limiting beliefs. Let go of that – I am not able to have fun, I don’t know how, I am boring.”
If you make a positive hypothesis about having a fun relationship, it would exponentially improve your ability to achieve it.It puts the power of synchronicity and confirmation bias on your side and it loads the dice in your favour and your mind goes on to optimise that desired outcome. Have you ever realised when you learn a new word, you keep seeing the word again and again. That’s synchronicity !
Get rid of the victim mentality and try.People give up before they even try.Ask yourself do I want to fix this? Lack of interest in fixing things a negative hypothesis.So having an intention is the first thing.Try to pinpoint aspects of your relationships where you are bored, complacent or simply too busy? Identifying what you don’t like about the current state of your relationship is the first step to changing it.
Gain awareness o your perception of fun
It’s important to examine how your perception of your relationship may be creating problems in your relationship.For example, do you believe being in a comfortable, stable relationship with routine is boring? Or does it make you feel safe and secure?We are all different and our perception of fun will be different from our partners.Your idea of fun might be cuddling under the sheet watching a rom-com but your partner might think that’s the most boring idea for a Saturday night date.When two people have beliefs or habits that differ too much, it creates misunderstandings and conflict and might be difficult to find common ground.Intending to change your partner or changing yourself to fit his idea if fun obviously isn’t the answer. Any healthy relationship involves compromise and as long as you are aware you are both different, it makes the journey easier and more tolerating.
Pam and Lawrence were facing boredom and complacency in their relationship. They were married for 20 years. Pam got busy with the children, cats and house while Lawrence was busy at work and was getting more spiritual. Pam came to see me as she felt a void in the relationship whilst Lawrence refused to believe and accept it. When Pam asked Lawrence to get on a call with me, he reluctantly agreed and right away I knew things were going to be difficult. He refused to even believe they needed help. He told me “all relationships become boring” and “I need to finish my karma with Pam” and “I am comfortable with this void”. It was an uphill task for me because (1) Lawrence didn’t have an intention to make the relationship more fun, (2) he didn’t think the relationship was boring (3) he didn’t think fun was important in the relationship and (4) his perception about relationship health was vastly different from Pam’s.
Practice acceptance and appreciation
Acceptance and appreciation of your partner with his quirks and flaws is another must.You must not judge your partner.He is unique.So are you.He is special.So are you.We need to have unconditional acceptance of this fact.You are not supposed to judge him when he puts up the toilet seat or calls his mom five times a day.Do you expect your partner to think like you? Act with love and understanding and accept him for who he is. We can’t tell a cat to stop being a cat or a dog to stop being a dog, can we We face it with no agenda, only appreciation. I had 2 dogs for a very long time – they were unconditional in their love and were always giving me slobbery kisses when I came back and were constantly in need for grooming as they got dirty playing outdoors in my garden.After both my dogs passed away, upon my daughter Rivaa’s insistence, we got 2 cats.Cats are so different from dogs.The primary difference was that my cats were very clean, independent and did not seek attention anywhere near as much as my dogs. They were more attached to their territory rather than us, which is not to say that they don’t have a strong bond with us and we do enjoy quality time playing and cuddling with them. However, they were happy to be solitary to a large extent.Which do I prefer? Well both were different and as much as I loved my dogs, I began loving my cat’s indifferent and independent nature.
In the same way, if fun for your partner means a night playing scrabble and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows, accept that.In relationships, it’s easy to see everything through your own myopic lens. You might find everything about your partner boring or irritating and conveniently forget about all the ways how you’re a pain in the butt to live with.When your partner’s weakness irks you, it can be mostly because of something extra you’re over reading into.Take a hard look at it and try to disentangle these extra meanings from your reactions to them.
Use the word “we”
If two people in a relationship think of themselves as on the same team, things get much easier.Positive feelings grow freely and score-keeping and resentment become nonexistent. When you’re focused on yourself, keeping score and making sure you’re being treated properly you aren’t in a relationship with another person—you’re in relationship with your thoughts and judgements about the other person. You’re focusing on yourself and your partner’s shortcomings.Thinking of the relationship as a team shifts the focus. Suddenly it’s not “me versus you” – it’s “we.” Even if you aren’t a score keeper, taking on the team viewpoint can bring a new sense of fun to your relationships.
Pam did that a lot. She confessed that she was a score-keeper.She used to keep a mental tally of what she had done for Lawrence and what he didn’t do and she gave a lot of meaning to that score. After regular coaching sessions, she began to see the relationship as a team. I made her list things Lawrence did for her selflessly and how being in a team makes things easier. You are working together not against each other. She began to realise that was true. He did give more than her in many ways, but her rigid, defensive outlook hadn’t allowed her to notice what he did for her. She never looked at her relationship in quite the same way again. When she found herself feeling wronged again, she remembered she and Lawrence were teammates, not adversaries. Tams are more resilient than individual identities trying to coexist.
Love more
We all want to feel loved but in reality focusing on making other people feel loved makes us more happy. Let me explain this to you with an example.Think of a person you really loved something – could be your husband, a special boyfriend or even your favourite child. Imagine it is their birthday. Do you feel excited to make it special for them? Do you go all out to make it wonderful and memorable for them? Does that excitement and fervour make you happy and excited? According to spiritual guru Lester Leverson – “If we want to be loved, the way to get it is to love more. It is not only the very best method, but it is the only method. To receive love we must love because what we give out must come back.” Of course, we need to know what we deserve and have healthy boundaries , but our main focus should be on how much we give and how good we fulfil our loved one needs.
This is the point where most relationships fail.No one teaches you this.Love is our basic nature.When we give in more and love unconditionally, we have more fun in the relationship. our happiness and fun equates to your capacity to love. Simply love love love and you will have a lot of fun in the relationship.If you keep expecting it keeps you in lack. Also focusing on what you offer makes you in control of your life. You can’t force him to love you and focusing on that will make you frustrated. Focus instead to always be the best lover your special one ever had.He deserves it because you love him, don’t you?
Remove negative filters
This is a very important.Remember your negative filters affects your outcome? What happens is that most people have negative filters and things they do not want become their reality.If your feel your relationship is boring and imperfect you have an unconscious negative filter. Thus you are going to experience a negative outcome.If you have positive filters, it will exponentially increase your chances of experiencing a positive outcome. In order to trick the mind fully, you need to remove negative filters. I got this wrong for a while.I thought I was just going to read my goals and affirmations again and again.I zeroed in on my goals but they were not coming true.Then I realised it was more than just reading your affirmations. It is about reading your goals, seeing the image in your mind and then playing the feeling of those positive emotions in your body and really feeling it.A lot of people get this wrong They read their affirmations with negative filters on.This how you stack rocks on the right side of the scales for yourself.
Set positive affirmations and read them loud to yourself while imagining a situation where you have achieved your affirmation.Make that vision as detailed and as colourful as you can.Feel the positive emotions associated with that image.Stack the rocks and program your mind the way you want it to be programmed.Affirmations are simply words you say to yourself to achieve the things you want in your life.
Positive affirmations
- My relationship is a huge success.
- I believe in my relationship and trust it will succeed.
- Having a great relationship is natural to me.
- Good relationships comes easy to me.
- I am passionate about making my relationship fun and exciting.
- I am energised to make my relationship fun and interesting.
- I am in a great relationship which is fun and exciting.
- I am thankful for my my partner and his presence in mu life.
- I have a wonderful great loving fun relationship.
- I love my partner unconditionally.
Positive attitude
Your relationship will have positive and negative experiences.There will be fun moments as well as sad and depressing ones.Research has shown that the magical ratio for a flourishing relationship is at or above 3:1. That is, you need to have three times more positive experiences with your partner than negative experiences in order to have a fun relationship. Keep an experience log to keep focused on positive experiences rather than negative ones.
Another important exercise you can do daily just before going to bed is the mirror exercise. Just before going to bed, stand in front of the mirror and appreciate yourself for everything that you have accomplished during the day.Look at yourself directly, address yourself by your name and begin appreciating yourself out loud for -any wins and achievements your business had and any personal disciplines you kept.Throughout this exercise, you need to maintain eye contact with yourself and when you are done, look deeply into yourself, into your eyes and say, I love you.Then stand there for a few seconds to really feel the impact of this experience. Trust me, this trick at the end is not to turn you away from the mirror feeling embarrassed.Do not think this exercise is silly or stupid.It is very powerful.Try and be alone and uninterrupted throughout the exercise. It might feel weird initially to do this everyday, but hang in there and trust me, the more you do it, the more fun it becomes and the more confidence you get.Do it for 40 days straight and see the difference.
Having a positive mindset alone isn’t enough.A positive attitude will help you cope with your negative experiences. It will continue to bring optimism into your life and keep away worries, destruction and negative thoughts.